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No podemos salir igual… / We can’t come out the same…

Rosa Beltré, (she/her/hers)

Executive Director of the Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence (OAESV)

Ya COVID 19 nos ha robado e inmovilizado bastante, pero también nos ha dado grandes lecciones de vida, de resiliencia, de perspectiva, autoanalice y de prioritarizacion.

Hace apenas unos días tuve que tomar un pasillo de hospital que me lo encontré frio, solitario, impersonal y largo. Fui recibida por un termostato y un guardia de seguridad. Al bajarme de mi vehículo, procure no despedirme, ni mirar hacia atrás, para que así no vieran en mis ojos la triste realidad de mi incertidumbre de saber si volvería a salir y ver a los míos una vez más.

Mientras me registraban para ser operada, y me pedían a quién debemos llamar para comunicarle de tu estado; solo me venía a la mente, así es como los sobrevivientes de violencia sexual y violación, se sienten. Pensé: ¡Que difícil es esto! ¿Y si hay complicaciones, quien va a abogar por mis derechos y mi bienestar?; ¿Quién veré cuando despierte de la anestesia? ¡¡Y la respuesta era NADIE!!- Respire, me cambie, entre y me encomendé. NO me quedaba de otra, y no por miedo, sino por todas las realidades a mi alrededor.

Esto era parte de lo que COVID nos robó. El derecho a tener compañía y contacto humano con aquellos que amamos, con aquellos que pueden abogar por nuestros derechos y que pueden cuidar de nosotros. Nos robó autonomía y control que tanto nos gusta. Robó nuestras voces, logró aislarnos aun un poco más. Pero en medio de todo esto decidí que aunque llevamos ya mas de 40 días con la sombra de la muerte sobre nosotros, una pandemia que no se le ve fin, con el sentido de aislamiento en mil, me dije, no puedo permitir que cuando entremos en las fases de reintegración a un vida “disque normal” seguir dejando que este duele de los días que he perdido cerca a los míos me nublen la visión y el deseo de seguir, de vivir, de no salir igual.

Cada uno de nosotros llegamos a este mundo con privilegios, queramos aceptarlos o no. Cada uno de nosotros luchamos múltiples batallas internas, externas, mentales, emociones, físicas y espirituales que estamos dispuestos a compartir o no. Cada uno de nosotros tenemos nuestros temores, desencantos o sentido de inaptitud en algún momento; unos lo ocultan mejor que otros, y otros optan minimizar a otros para opacar sus heridas y sentirse superior.

Cuando entramos en este proceso estábamos mas enfocados en el “yo” y nuestros planes personales- estábamos más enfocados en hacer que el sol solo girara alrededor de nosotros; nos deshumanizamos, solo abogábamos por lo que significaba algo para mí, sin tomar en consideración que todo está entrelazado, se nos olvidó amar, perdonar a nuestro modo, disfrutar, descansar, pensar, valorar y elevar a los demás y a nosotros mismos.

Al salir de esta y si salimos con vida y con salud, sin el peligro de quedarnos en el piso luego de las caídas, espero que podamos ser más empáticos, más humanos, que dejemos de medir a los demás por sus títulos, su dinero, o estatus, o quizás por su apellido. Espero que después de esta podamos abogar por servicios médicos universales para todos, que los empleados esenciales puedan vivir dignamente con el salario que llevan a sus casas. Espero que no nos juzguemos, ni estemos prejuiciados unos con otros con por nuestras afiliaciones políticas, por nuestra forma de pensar, por nuestras experiencias, por nuestros apellidos o por los errores que cometieron nuestros ancestros. Anhelo que cuando volvamos a vernos no estemos compitiendo y con aires de superioridad. Mi deseo es poderte abrazar sin pensar que me vas apuñalear o que una vez mas te aprovecharas de mí nobleza. Quiero sentarme en una reunión sin pensar que saldrás de ahí hablando tras mis espaldas o haciendo conjeturas sin saber la verdad, mi verdad, o quien realmente soy. Deseo siempre ayudarte con la mejor intención de que crezcas, tu brillo no me intimida, no deseo meterte el pie para que fracases. Te quiero ver alcanzar todo lo que te haga feliz. Solo deseo verte y tratarte como humano, como hermano, como colega, sin aires de superioridad.

La vida es muy efímera, pasamos demasiado tiempo guardando rencores, desperdiciando el tiempo, arrastrando maletas pesadas del pasado, culpándonos, señalándonos, humillándonos, y guardando secretos. No nos damos cuenta que podemos coexistir diciéndonos la verdad sin odiarnos, ni desearnos el mal. No debemos ser tan impersonales, tan “yoistas”, que no desee cuidar a los demás, porque la máscara me empaña los lentes, o me molesta. ¡Esto ya no se trata de mi! Podemos colaborar aun teniendo y respetando nuestras propias perspectivas y autonomía. ¡¡Siempre podemos estar en desacuerdo y vociferar como nos sentimos sin resentimientos, pues cuando salga de aquí no puedo salir igual!!

Rosa Beltré (she/her/hers)

Executive Director

Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence (OAESV)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We can’t come out the same…

COVID 19 has already robbed us and immobilized us too much, but it has also given us great lessons in life. Lessons of resilience, perspective, self-initiative, and prioritization.

Just a few days ago I had to take a hospital corridor that I found cold, lonely, impersonal, and long. I was greeted by a thermostat and a security guard. As I got out of my vehicle, I did my best not to say goodbye or look back, so that they would not see in my eyes the sad reality of the uncertainty of knowing if I would go out again and see mine once more.

While I was being registered for surgery, and asked who should they call to notify of my state, it just came to mind–that’s how survivors of sexual violence and rape feel. I thought: “How hard this is! What if there are complications, who will advocate for my rights and my well-being? Who will I see when I wake up from anesthesia?” And the answer was NO ONE!! – Breathe, get changed, enter, and I entrusted myself. That’s all I can do–wish for the best and not allow my thoughts to wander. But the reality around me was sending me a different message.

This was part of what COVID stole from us. The right to have company and human contact with those we love, with those who can advocate for our rights and who can take care of us. COVID stole from us autonomy and control, which we love so much. COVID tried to silence our voices, and to isolate us even more. Oh, COVID, you have failed; in the midst of all this I decided that–although we have been more than 40 days with the shadow of death upon us, a pandemic that has not seen end, with the sense of isolation, emptiness and people giving value based on economy and not health–when we enter the phases of reintegration into a ‘normal life’, I cannot continue to allow the hurt from the days that I feel I have lost cloud my vision and desires. I will continue to live, to be a better person, not to go out the same.

Each of us comes to this world with privileges, whether we want to accept them or not. Each of us fights multiple internal, external, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual battles that we are willing to share or not. Each of us has our fears, disenchantments, or sense of inadequacy at some point; some hide it better than others, and others choose to minimize others to overshadow their wounds and feel superior.

When we entered this process, we were focused on the “I” and our personal plans. We were focused on making the sun just turn around us; we dehumanized ourselves, we only advocated for what had meaning to ‘me’, without considering that everything is intertwined. We forgot to love, forgive in our own way, enjoy, rest, think, value and elevate others and ourselves.

As we exit this frightening time, and if we leave alive and in health, without the danger of staying on the floor after the falls, I hope that we can be more empathetic, more human. I hope that we stop measuring others by their titles, their money, or status, or perhaps by their last name. I hope that after this, we can advocate for universal medical services for all, that all employees can live worthily on the wages they bring home. I hope that we will not judge others, their lifestyle or choices, nor are we prejudged with each other by our political affiliations, by our thinking, by our experiences, by our surnames, or by the mistakes made by our ancestors. I long that when we meet again we will not be competing and with airs of superiority. My desire is to be able to hug you without thinking that you’re going to stab me or that once again you’ll take advantage of my nobility. I want to sit in a meeting without thinking you’re going to walk out of there talking behind my back or making guesses without knowing the truth, my truth, or who I really am. I always want to help you with the best intention of seeing you flourish. Your brilliance does not intimidate me. I do not want to make you stumble and fall. I don’t want to imitate you, or what you do. I want to learn from your expertise, and give you credit where credit is due. I want to see you achieve everything that makes you happy. I just want to see you and treat you as a human, as a colleague, without airs of superiority.

Life is very short-lived. We spend too much time holding grudges; wasting time; dragging heavy suitcases from the past; blaming others who are pointing at us, humiliating us, and keeping secrets. We do not realize that we can coexist by telling ourselves the truth without hating ourselves, nor wanting the worst for each other. We must not be so impersonal, so “self-centered”, that we do not want to take care of others–because “the mask fogs my glasses”, or its an inconvenience. This is no longer just about ‘ME’!

We can collaborate even with and respecting our own perspectives and autonomy. We can always disagree and vociferously as we feel without resentment, because when I get out of here I can’t come out the same!!

Rosa Beltré (she/her/hers)

Executive Director

Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence (OAESV)

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